The good thing about writing is that it helps you sleep. At the time, when things are happening I should write more, unfortunately when things do go wrong it all happens so quickly I only ever get the chance to write about as afterwards.
Following my admission into hospital for the 3rd time in 2.5 months I am told by a doctor that the biopsy of the lump in my neck wasn't clear enough and that they want to take out and test the whole lymph node, as precaution. At no point did I honestly think it would be melanoma, I go to sleep that night after the small operation feeling ok, dare I say well even.
Instead, two days later on the Sunday a doctor walks into my room unannounced and sits on the chair next to my hospital bed. He asks me how I am and about my back pain to which I tell him it's much better, the cocktail of meds they have me on are working nicely, I'm mobile, no sickness and appetite is back; after all this he facial expression changes to something more somber as he tells me what all patients dread to hear. "I'm afraid I've known this for a few hours now" he says quietly, "And I don't really want to make you wait until tomorrow when your oncologist returns, I'm sorry but the results show the melanoma has come back."
And that was it... In less that 60 seconds I'm back in the nightmare, by myself with the doctor, he tells me my oncologist will come and see me first thing Monday morning, with a plan of action. Until then I can go home for a few hours to see family and return to the ward that evening.
Then like something out of sliding doors, within seconds of the doctor leaving my room, my Dad and Mark walk around the corner, both blissfully unaware of what he has just told me. Looking at them I tell them.
Its back, I'm sorry, it's come back.
My Dad throws his phone onto the bed and shouts loudly, while Mark holds his head in his hands shaking it from side to side. Once again I've had to pull the two Men I love the most back into pure despair. I can feel the rage and upset burning inside me as they both throw their arms around me, and with that I start to enter fight mode again. I now realise I have to start again, fight for myself and for them and if I want to win I'm going to have to fight like I've never fought before.