The Mountain

My scans are back, and the words are something a cancer survivor will never get bored of hearing.

No Evidence of Diesease, stable response.

 *Breathes an overwhelming sigh of relief* 

So why am I sat here 4 days later, writing this blog feeling completely helpless?

I for one will never take a clear result for granted, I know it's something so many in my position pray for; but what about those around me? Is the fear still surrounding them like it is with me, or after my reoccurrence 6 months ago has a clear scan just become expected, because I'm on treatment and it's 'bound to work.'

I don't feel like I'm coping with this as well as I should be, I'm feeling back at that point I wrote about last year, where The Storm of Cancer hits, people move on, return to life as normal and you just can't. 

Having just lost my Uncle to a relentless strain of Oesophageal cancer this week, I feel vulnerable, threatened and scared at the speed in which it took him; he fought really hard, yet it still won. It is hard to loose someone, it is also hard to loose someone to the same disease you have.

"But you look so well" people tell me.

When really underneath my smile I often feel like a fraction of the person I once was, hurting yet striving to beat this; to feel better and maybe have just a few days where I don't feel so poorly. Somedays I feel out of strength, physically and mentally, like I'm not getting where I need to be. Taking all these tablets that kill anything and everything in sight, good cells, bad cells, leaving me weak; waiting for the next scan result to tell me it's come back again and that once again I have to get up and fight. I push every single day and I'm tired of it. While I have to be confident I will win this, I just want Mark and I to be able to put this down and get out whenever we want, but we can't, it's our life now.

Then after a good cry to Mark, halfway through writing this blog I read this... 

"Maybe your motivation isn't the problem, but that you keep pushing a boulder up a mountain that only grows in size the more you push."

Jamie Varon,

In other words, stop making your pain worse by pressurising yourself to get ahead.  

For now I am ahead, just because I'm not at the top of the mountain looking down, doesn't mean I'm not doing well. The climb in front of me is high and yes it's scary, but if I keep pushing myself to get to somewhere I think I need to be then I'll only make it harder.

Perhaps I should stop beating myself up, I'm angry, I'm typing this blog really fast. Yes I'm pissed off I have had to face cancer, that I'm told it will keep trying to come back and that I may have to spend the rest of my life on treatment. I'm REALLY angry about this today, I'm even angrier at the fact it's taken another member of my family. 

So now having read this article I'll sit and allow myself a few days to stop trying to be so "strong". If today is a day I feel weak, then that's ok.

Maybe tomorrow I will feel like it too, but we will see. 



You can read the full article by Jamie Varnon here, it will resonate with a lot of people for all sorts of reasons.

Thank you to my best friend for finding it and sharing it. ❤️