So today is my CT scan for the 9 month of my clinical trial and I'm feeling anxious.... 

People that I've spoken to call this 'scanxiety' it's the anxious feeling of an impending scan, followed by waiting for results. The feeling that surrounds scans is the nervousness and apprehension of the outcome. A person who has had cancer or any other life threatening illness never takes a positive scan for granted. Every good scan is a huge milestone towards getting better.

Today feels slightly different for me, it's difficult to explain and has had me awake for hours. Due to my participation in the trial I am scanned much more frequently than average, to be honest, once every three months sometimes feels almost too frequent; don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the close monitoring and excellent care that is given on the trial, but it is always an emotional roller coaster waiting for the date to come around, it's pretty nerve wrecking.

Ten months since my operation and heading into cycle 9 of the treatment, I am not about to leave thinking they are going to find anything, I try to keep that underlying worry tightly under wraps. Today I feel more anxious because I know the next scan will be 12 months, followed by results and after that there will be no more treatment. The trial drug will be finished and Instead it will be just me, myself and I, plus a handful of doctors quietly watching me as we try to keep my melanoma at bay.

I must admit, although having the treatment has been hard at times, I am beginning to find the reality of finishing it quite daunting. 


I have had a few glands flare up in and around the top of my legs over the last month or two, but the lumps always seem to disappear, which I'm told means I probably have a virus; but your mind still works overtime as even the smallest of aches and pains make you question if it's come back.

Days like today remind me why I chose to do the trial, regular scans and check ups, however emotional, are a constant reassurance and every positive result makes you that bit stronger and more hopeful.

So for that reason, I will go, I will drink my funny tasting radioactive squash and continue to take each day as it comes. 

Wish me luck!